A Cowboy's Girlfriend

The other day me and Joe Monroe was discussin' the female personality,
Talkin' about all their shapes and sizes, and every nationality.
Joe says he likes different kinds, mostly redheads and bruneftes,
He'll even take a blonde out, dependin' how lonely he gets.

He likes 'em with those great big eyes that look clean through a man;
He likes 'em even when they spend an hour in the can~~
Fixin' up their makeup, or whatever gals do there--Puttin' on their lipstick, or messin' up their hair.

But Joe says what's important is that they look real good
And make the boys admire her like real cowboys should.
He likes their hair way down their back, or even bobbed real short,
But they gotta be good-lookin'--and t' that I gave a snort.

"Joe," I said, "there's things in life you gotta understand;
Looks ain't all you're after when you give a girl your hand.
It's personality that counts, when she treats you like a king;
It's takin' you t' perty places, and all them thoughtful things.

Now, Joe, just keep yer mouth shut while I tell you 'bout my girl,
A girl with teeth so got-darn big she looks just like a squirrel.
Well, maybe not a squirrel, I guess--her nose is two dang long;
It's gotta be at least a foot--and no, I can't be wrong.

Her eyes are big and perty, with lashes long and curly,
But there's a foot between those eyes, and her body's big and burly.
I really hate to say this, and I know you'll say I lied,
But I swear to you from hip to hip she must be three feet wide.

I must admit, she walks all day, but she don't get no thinner,
I guess its all the good life, and the grub she downs fer dinner.
I know that this sounds funny, and yer laughter will be merry,
But if you see her 'round today, you'll notice she's all hairy.
She's got hair on her legs and back, and growin' past her toes,
She's got some long ones on her neck, and longer on her nose.
But I tell you, Joe, she's the sweetest thing I ever knew,
And if you ever meet her, I know you'll want one, too."

Well, Joe was plumb dumbfounded, and stared with mouth agape; I knew that he was picturin' some brawny-lookin' ape. "Clint," he says, "I get yer drift, that looks ain't all there is, And a man can't hurt no feelings, but especially if they're his!

You oughtta reconsider this mess you've got into--I dare say you could find a pertier lady in a zoo.
Now, I know you ain't stupid, and I wish you were bendin' my ear; To think you'd choose a gal like that sure sounds mighty queer."

Well, I listened what my partner said, an' then I thought a while;
Then I gave ol' Joe a wink, an' chased it with a smile.
"Joe," I says, "There's somethin' more--there always is, of course.
While you been talkin' 'bout yer women, I been talkin' 'bout my horse!"

 

--Kirby Jonas April 8, 1995